you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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