you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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