the condom got lost in my hair
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
