I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
