Christians are straight up FREAKS
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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