4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
