Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize