So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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