my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
