She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
