im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
