Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
