Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
