Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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