i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
