I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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