Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
