the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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