Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
