i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
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Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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