toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
