omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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