Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
