I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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