We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Randomize
