He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He shit in the fireplace
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
