I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
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