Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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