the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
