We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
be right there i have to get my cape
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
