don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
operation have a gay friend backfired
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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