Kiss
Puke
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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