I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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