how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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