I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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