whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
