it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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