If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
