I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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