I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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