i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
