my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
