I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
