WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Panties = found
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
