I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
