he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.