when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.