whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
