College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
