I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
