just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
