I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
