Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
