Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
